Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
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The Dark Web implies the existence of a Medium and dare I say Blonde Roast Web.
🎶I Heard Mommy Screaming at Santa Claus🎶
– assembling my bike… I was about 6
“You can’t come in here with a dog.”
“I’m blind. It’s my seeing eye dog.”
“No way. They don’t breed Chihuahua service dogs.”
“They gave me a Chihuahua?”
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
Karate Kid (1984) Two grown adults enlist minors to fight a martial arts proxy war.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
until I had kids I had no idea that it was possible for someone to drink water with such ferocity
Thanks for wishing me a Happy Monday, you’ve changed my entire outlook. I don’t hate Monday anymore. I hate you. Happy New Sworn Enemy.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I was definitely that mouthy preteen girl that told my dad’s girlfriend she’s just a girlfriend for NOW, while I’ll always be his daughter.
well, guess what, Brianne?
Happy 25th anniversary
Tell Dad I said hi
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I like that the same two questions are still unanswered from my childhood.. what’s the meaning of life? And can you tell me how to get to Sesame Street?
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
MOM: why are you dropping breadcrumbs
ME: in case we get lost
MOM: we’re in an ikea
ME:
MOM: give me some breadcrumbs too
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Whenever I go grocery shopping I make sure I’m stuck behind the people who have never seen food on shelves before.
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Start the year as you intend to continue.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
When I get my tax refund I’m gonna mess around and buy the whole 18 pack of eggs.
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window