Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
You Might Also Like
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Seductively rubs salt in your wound.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
is this a threat
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
Leonardo DiCaprisun
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
💯😂
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
The limerick writers on Twitter
Can be justifiably bitter
The limited length
Is weakness, not strength
And throws our last lines down the sh
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Puts kids to bed at 6PM: they wake up at 6AM
Puts kids to sleep at 8PM: they wake up at 6AM
There is no winning 🙄
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
I’m just saying if she’s into metric then I’d love to meter
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
It’s one thing to get a golf tee stuck in a nostril. Shit happens. But if you’ve got a golf tee in each nostril, that’s a pattern. Wake up.
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
Quarantine log, Day 8:
Cat: I need you to run to the store for me.
Me: What for? You have plenty of food.
Cat: I got into the treats last night. I’m almost out.
Me:
Me: You can talk!
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.