@HenpeckedHal

Questions my toddler asked me this week:

– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?

How about your kid?

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@BlondAmbitionTO

Grammar is:
1. How we structure our sentences.
2. Grandpa’s wife.

Some of you will pick number two.

@TechnicallyRon

The Mens Rights subreddit did a poll to show how diverses their users are. They are 80% Single, white, 18-24, american males. HAHAHAHAHAHA

@DirtyySouthMess

I was singing in the gym shower & the girl in the one beside me started singing along & then suddenly my life became this weird, naked duet.

@JoshRaby

It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.

@Rachelnoise

After three beers in a bikini I quit holding in my stomach and just think of baby names to tell people.

@hasht4g

Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?

@ch000ch

[time traveler returns home to 1881] guys i forgot to grab the cure for malaria but here’s some…DORITOS LOCOS TACOS [loud cheering]

@kirkfox

Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life

@NakedWhiteAss

Hey guys, which cell phone provider drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.

@Tmoney68

A man played Justin Bieber to force an attacking bear to run off. He was treated for his injuries, then arrested for cruelty to animals.