@StarWarsProblms

Qui-gon: You will give me the parts

Watto: I’m immune to mind tricks

Qui: Are you immune to lightsabers?

Watto: I will give you the parts

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@MarfSalvador

Him: Wanna see my prison tats?

Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys

Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in

@Steelers1972

Cop ~ Do you know how fast you were going sir ?

Me ~ Uhhh …. Roughly about the same as you

Cop ~ Get out

@heatherlou_

Enable location? Seriously, Twitter? Have you met some of these folks?

@Gupton68

I’ll only believe in evolution when donuts learn how to reproduce in captivity.

@FannyB1tch

Word of the day – Obama. I opened a bottle of brandy and drank it Obama self.

@ProdigyNelson

[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”

@jwoodham

Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.