@Ideal_Victoria

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!

- @Ideal_Victoria

You Might Also Like

@ProdigyNelson

[bedroom]
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop

@deanjthompson

ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait

@Book_Krazy

New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.

Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9

Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @

Me: DAMMIT

@WilliamAder

Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.

@ValeeGrrl

Husband got excited thinking I was touching myself under the covers but I was actually just opening a Kit Kat I didn’t wanna share.

@LoveNLunchmeat

Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG

*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe

@LifeUnPinterest

HIM: Why is this sticky?

ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth

@mommy_cusses

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

@anerdonfire2

If I insult you, I’m either flirting or genuinely don’t like you. Good luck with that.