Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

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Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.


I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old


Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.


Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.


I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”


If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.


tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium


[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*


Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself