@JennyJohnsonHi5

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

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@NervousJr

Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.

@DaddyJew

I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old

@TheToddWilliams

[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.

@NoogsCorner

Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.

@KentWGraham

I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”

@MomofTeen

If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.

@queer_queenie

tour guide: here are the sharks

me: bitey boi

guide: …and over here, a swordfish

me: pointy boi

guide: get out of the aquarium

@LoveNLunchmeat

[reading online survey]

Are you ready to double your satisfaction?

My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.

*clicks yes*

@AbbieEvansXO

Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here

Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad

Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself