@JennyJohnsonHi5

Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!

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@ObscureGent

[The Gorge in the Pride lands]

Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?

Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*

@KKAlThani

Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.

@urmumsausername

Dear America

Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.

Many thanks

England

@Rollinintheseat

Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”

*45 minutes later*

Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”

@PhilJamesson

dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing

me (slyly): yes

@Thynebear

Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”

[Meanwhile in Hell]

Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”

@Ditchful

adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane

@OctopusCavemann

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment

Cop: How much have you had to drink?

Me: The precise amount I was predestined to

@Sarcasticsapien

People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.

@ShortSleeveSuit

[working at a candle factory, day four]

ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going