[The Gorge in the Pride lands]
Water buffalo 1: *tramples over Mufasa* Didn’t we go to that guy’s baby shower?
Water buffalo 2: *shrugs*
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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Look, I might not take a bullet for you but I’d push someone else in front of you which is practically the same thing.
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
adulthood is like looking both ways before you cross the street and then getting hit by an airplane
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
People at the gym in January who dress like they’re obsessed with working out won’t be there by, probably the end of this sentence.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going