Told my mom “The D” stood for donuts, and now she won’t stop telling people she wants the chocolate D.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
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I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
tour guide: here are the sharks
me: bitey boi
guide: …and over here, a swordfish
me: pointy boi
guide: get out of the aquarium
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
Satan: welcome to hell, I want all of us to be friends here
Me: huh, this doesn’t seem so bad
Satan: so everyone go around in the circle and say a little bit about yourself