@Contwixt

Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?

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@Mardigroan

Luke, I am your uncle.
Luke, I am your third cousin.
Luke, I am your grandmother.

– Skywalker family reunion

@briangaar

I always carry a pair of shades with me because you never know when you might see a dead body & say something cool

@FrazzleMyGimp

STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?

TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.

ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!

@daddydoubts

Wife: how’s potty training been today?

Me: he peed twice!

Wife: that’s great!

Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.

@zdarsky

I want a SPIDERMAN GO app where I have to get pictures of spiderman for a furious j jonah jameson

@sugarwits

Me: What did you do at school today?

4yo: Nothing

M: You must have done something.

4: I don’t remember.

[Bedtime]

M: Goodnight.

4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*

@1MeLrO

It’s cool to jump out of bed and realize you are already dressed to run to Walmart

@ISOremarkable

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

@WheelTod

How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:

1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items

@RandiLawson

Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email