Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
You Might Also Like
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.
“My dog took 20 minutes to find a spot to poop this morning” is, apparently, not a good response to “Why are you late?” and “Why do you only have makeup on one eye?”
Rich people don’t understand cereal
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
The coins in my cup holder have bonded together and will be the problem of whomever owns my vehicle next.
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My husband pissed me off today, so I hid his keys by putting them in the spot where we keep our keys.
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
ME: *wearing medieval armour* I’d like to book a room.
HOTEL RECEPTIONIST: How many nights?
ME: *lifts visor* Just me.
I have actually used trigonometry for work. I was promised by so many people that this would never happen.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
For Mother’s Day, my sister gave me an “easy to care for” orchid. All it needs to stay alive is a place in my house that maintains an exact temperature of 63 degrees every minute of the day and to be given 5 1/2 drops of water every 789 minutes.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
[first BDSM session]
Dom: Let’s begin. Safeword?
Me: fwerd
Dom: No! SAFEWORD
Me: *flinching* FWERD
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.