Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
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COP: *draws gun*
PARTNER: *looking over his shoulder* Someone needs to go to art school. Looks like a platypus.
My toddler had a meltdown at bedtime because her pajamas were “too comfortable.”
It’s a rough life.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Her: I ran across a YouTube video called “Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person.”
Me: Did you watch it?
Her: No, it was 22 minutes long. I figure I’ll just take my chances.
*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
Every birthday is a surprise party after you turn 80.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
wife:
Where are the powdered doughnuts?me:
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Ice cream is clearly God’s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
When you can’t find your friend Neil
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Learning how to say “where the hell am I?” in eight languages. Just in case.
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
I don’t have anybody to eat dinner with so I share my dinner with the sky chickens.
My Neighbor- * Yelling from a distance*
Dam it! Would you please stop feeding the seagulls. They keep shitting on my Jeep.
What do best men at weddings in France do?
Making French toasts!
#FrenchToastDay #MondayMorning #RubbishJokes
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: how d’ya like them apples?
Dr: *hisses and retreats into the shadows*
(3 minutes into a hunger strike)
Alright I’m ready to make some concessions.