Quick question: How many bowls of mac and cheese can you eat during a Skype job interview before you look unprofessional?

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I don’t think my wife realizes that the FREE SEX coupons I gave her last Valentine’s Day are about to expire.


I always keep at least 6 wigs in my trunk for trips to the grocery store so I can keep going back for samples


My dog is always using my legs as a pillow, but the one time I lay down on him he acts like I should get out of his kennel.


If you’ve never said “I love you too” in a way that sounds a tad bit angry, then you must not have kids you are trying to put to bed.


If one door closes and another door opens, then probably your in a jail.


Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.


I love donuts so much I want to marry them. But then I’m afraid I would eat all our donut hole children.


Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.


[Tarot reading ends]

Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!

Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.