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3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Motives for murder:
1. Jealousy
2. Sex
3. Greed
4. Snoring
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
When your messy bun is really a sloppy bun so your hair keeps tickling your ear and you keep slapping yourself upside the head because it might be a bug even though deep down you know it’s your stupid hair. That’s what today has been like.
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
There were over 14,000 wars before McDonalds launched the Dollar Menu. Since launching it, there’s only been 32. Those are just the facts.
I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
smartest karate player in the world
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
You’ll never know how creative you really are until you need to start lying to your kids.