Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia

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Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself


good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here

bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it

good cop: god he is so bad at everything


I think that whenever you become a parent, doctors should just prescribe whatever pills you want.


I just heard an add on the radio stressing the importance of healthy muscles and it inspired me to bend my elbows more while eating cake.


Her: what was that about?

Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off

Her: at the zoo tho?


Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.


[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy


Drank too much Red Bull and puked in some bushes, now three of them are breakdancing and one is taking me hang gliding next weekend.


I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.