The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
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Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Most adults have thirty-two teeth but you can have as many as you like if your pockets are big enough
So the ex texted me
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
I don’t think putting that ouija board on a grave will help you catch a better signal
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
beware of dog
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
I strongly condemn the ritual sacrifice of children to Satan.
It is morally wrong and, in my experience, completely ineffective.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
When I’m mad at someone I say “no pun intended” when there wasn’t a pun and leave them trying to find it.
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
I just walked into my bedroom and said to my husband, “I can’t believe you forgot what day today is,” then walked out and slammed the door.