Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?

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My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.


I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.


To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.


Son #1: How long have we owned this house?

Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.

S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?

Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.


Me: You have to do what I say cause I’m your Dad

8 y/o daughter: You sure?

Don’t know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage


Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?


one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier


If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.