My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Quick! What’s protocol for when he opens my car door for me and just shy of 7,000 Sonic straw wrappers fall out?
You Might Also Like
My biggest fear is dying in a car accident that doesn’t destroy my phone
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
To avoid looking at the glass as half empty or full, i drink straight from the bottle.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Me: You have to do what I say cause I’m your Dad
8 y/o daughter: You sure?
Don’t know if she intended the ambiguity but that was savage
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
one time my cousin Dom hit a baseball so hard it tore a hole in the space time continuum and I caught it two years earlier
If it’s your imperfections that make you beautiful, I’m pretty sure I should be a supermodel.