Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
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When my nudes go to the cloud I always hope God is impressed.
I think this man might be the one, I say right before he dumps me and I never hear from him again
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
The local children surround me, trying to build a pyre. I’M NOT A WITCH, I shriek, my witch-like shrieking doing me no favours whatsoever
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Jumped over a puddle with an accidentally flamboyant step today, if anyone’s currently casting a production of “West Side Story.”
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
“My wife is going out to Thanksgiving dinner with her extended family but I’m staying home. It’s not safe.”
“Covid.”
“Toddlers.”
Always make sure that you are taking time for self-care. Because, if you don’t love yourself, how are you gonna love somebody else?! 😘 You got this 💪
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#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #personalgrowth #selfcare #safecarequotes
Jon Hamm, 50: Looks like a million bucks
Me, 45: Looks like a million hams
Saw 8 vasectomy billboards on my 4 hour road trip through Florida yesterday. It’s like Florida knows what has to be done to Florida.
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
My boyfriend is not like other guys. He wants to date me
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Mom watching Parasite: Turn it up, I can’t hear what they’re saying
Brother: They’re speaking Korean!
Mom: Shhh
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Burglar: [smashes window]
Burglar: [comes into house]
Burglar: [steals electronics]
Burglar: [steals furniture]
Burglar: [steals jewelry]
Burglar: [ransacks bedrooms]
Burglar: [opens package of cheese]My dog [appearing from nowhere]: hey, what you got there?
I’m so broke that if my girlfriend leaves me for another guy I swear that I’m going with them.
A loaf of bread where the first three slices are just previews of the blockbuster bread products coming out next summer.
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
*rides off into the sunset*
*rides back to get SPF 50 sunblock*
*rides off into the sunset*
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I think about this a lot
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
When brushing your teeth at bedtime, if you say 3 times into the mirror: “Sleeping soothes the seething” you will spit toothpaste all over your reflection