@Brampersandon_

[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*

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@leakypod

teacher: why did richard nixon resign

me: uh i dont know. dam

teacher: watergate

me: that’s what i said

@bopinklady

Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows

@DeanOkay

My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.

@ShittingtonUK

Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.

@lovejulieayn

Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.

Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>

@Cali_Kid_Mike

I’m not into anything “weird”, but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.

@NotGaryBusey

I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.

@alexlumaga

4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns

Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool

4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away

Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit

@NewDadNotes

[first date]

Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.

Me: spelling bee.

Date: oh nice! do you still got it?

Me: b-e-e.