teacher: why did richard nixon resign
me: uh i dont know. dam
me: that’s what i said
[quickly jumps into the back of a cab]
ME: How far will this get me? *i hand the driver 14 peanut m&ms with the chocolate sucked off*
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Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
My electric car is getting a service, so I have to drive an acoustic one.
Disliking the social justice crowd is to hating social justice as disliking the song “We Are the World” is to hating starving children.
“Look guys! No hands!”
-captain of the Titanic
Snoop Dogg; Shake what’cha momma gave you.
Me; Ummm… ok.
<vigorously shakes a frozen lasagna>
I’m not into anything “weird”, but this vacuum at Target looks like a total VILF.
I love when people say “If people hate you, it only means you’re doing something right.” Because that’s what Hitler would say.
4 year old: Why is this stuffed animal here? My bed’s only for unicorns
Me: It’s a triceratops. He’s like a triple unicorn. Totally cool
4 year old: He’s just a stupid dinosaur, put him away
Me: Unicorns are fake they’re bullshit
Date: tell me something you’re were really good at as a kid.
Me: spelling bee.
Date: oh nice! do you still got it?