Quidditch: A magical game played by aspiring wizards.
Squiditch: The most feared of all the Ocean STDs.
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.
Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Tried to text “playa” but it changed it to “player”
I must have the white iPhone.
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Film producer: You’re a terrible scriptwriter.
I disagree. Me:
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
I occasionally drink every single night.
Interviewer: “Why should we hire you for our research team?”
Me: “I went to the second page on a Google search once.”
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none