[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”

BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!

“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”

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I cuss around my kids so they understand proper useage, timing and inflection. Vocabulary is power.


If I were a millionaire, I’d probably sign up Angelina Jolie and Gwyneth Paltrow for a movie called, ‘Salt’ & ‘Pepper’.


my wife and I do this Batman role play where I disappear mid conversation like with Commissioner Gordon


Dad: Your grandpa used to cut the grass before he died, but now he’s-

Son: Dad please don’t…

Dad: Lawn gone.


Therapist: do what makes u happy and don’t do what makes u sad

Me: so happy music makes me happy

Therapist: yea

Me: and sad music makes me sad

Therapist: yea

Me: and I’m sad

Therapist: yea

Me: therefore I should listen to sad music

Therapist: so close


They probably could have called lightbulbs, just “bulbs”. Most people would still get it.


Me: Cleaning the basement.

12yo boy: Let me know if u need help.

13yo girl: Let me know when you’re done.

Yep…throwing out HER crap.


Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.


I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.