[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
[heaven]
ME: so about those footprints…
GOD: footprints?
ME: from when you carried me
GOD: wasn’t me
ME: well then who—
GOD: *shivers* that’s some spooky shit
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.
It is the year 2047. After making a movie based on every single one of its theme park rides, Disney is forced to make a movie about the line for the Disney World bathroom.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
I do 8 sit-ups every mornin’. Might not sound like much, but there’s only so many times you can hit the snooze button. Merica.
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
COWORKER: turn that frown upside-down!
ME: *rotates head 180 degrees along vertical axis as eyes go black and lights flicker*
CW: uuhh…
I cleaned up my son’s playroom today and it’s so clean now that I’m not sure I want him playing in there anymore
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
I must be getting old.
The haircut I need is in my nose.
He said he was a Guardian of the galaxy, I thought that was pretty cool until I realised he was a security guard in a Samsung shop.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Him: And if you don’t have my money by Friday I’ll send my 5 toughest guys to beat it out of you
Me: Okay first of all I’m incredibility flattered that you think it’ll take 5 of you to win…
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.