[quietly] “Always a bridesmaid never the bride”
BRIDE: Hey, you’re not one of my bridesmaids!
“Shhh…this day is about you, not me.”
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Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
My shower curtain always knows when I need a hug.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
[first person to dance] what’s happening to my extremities
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
“You can definitely fit thru there…just get a running start”
~ whiskey
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
my daughter has been thrusting her stuffed animals in my face for me to kiss, but I’m being very selective so she learns to have standards
“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
Morgan Freeman is in so many movies, I bet he just wanders onto film sets and says,”I’m in this now.”
Me: has anyone ever told you how much we appreciate you around here
Coworker: (blushing) um, no
Me: did you ever wonder why that is
Kids these days will never know the exhilarating danger of going 60mph down a burning hot metal slide.
My kids gave me a headache so I left them a scathing review on Glassdoor.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
This meal prepping shit is easy
My hair is 100% organic, but it has been tested on animals. Portions may have been used to drape over cats’ heads to make little wigs.
Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
Me: “I’d like to copy and paste from this pdf please”
Adobe Acrobat: “no worries, I took the liberty of stacking each word on top of each other in a vertical column, adding mysterious symbols, and removing every instance of the letter ‘t'”
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”