*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
My niece told me Titanic wasn’t its real name and the whole sinking was faked and there was another even bigger ship that sailed to America in secret that was the real Titanic so I asked her who the hell taught her how to sign up for a Facebook account
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
*looking up at the stars*
Me: look at that big one, isn’t it beautiful?
Her: *squinting* can we do this at night, instead?
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Me: * spends the day cleaning the house*
My kids: what have you done?!
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
This fan has two speeds; someone blowing in your face and airplane engine.
[First day as a hostage negotiator] So whatchu wearing?
Ahh, birds chirping outside my window.
*lets the cat out*
*goes back to sleep*
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
I don’t need your flipping advice, I am capable of ruining my life on my own.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the sock puppet at home tomorrow