@PaperWash: *Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
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@crunchenhanced: The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
@thelaurenobrien: How many times did people question the honesty of Shakira's hips before she finally decided to defend them in a song?
@AtticusFinch79: [parking lot in the 80's] *man appears to be having a heart attack* MY GRANDMA: calm down everyone, i know VCR ME: that's great, grandma. now he can record the shows he's missing when he's dead