*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
You Might Also Like
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
I think jerks misbehave on airplanes because they think they can’t be thrown out of an airplane like they routinely get thrown out of bars. The obvious solution is to, at least once a month, throw some jerk out of the airplane.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
If you’re happy and you know it…
Watch the news.
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
If someone asks me to do something I was already planning to do, I will leave the COUNTRY to emphasize how much I’m not doing it anymore.
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
I was bored and filled a spherical ice cube mold with milk. When I took it out it was perfect…until I dropped it and it broke in half. Now I’m crying over split milk.
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.
A haunted house but it’s just your cubicle and your boss is inviting you to a team building exercise.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I pronounce both Es in Ethan Hawke.
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
College alumni magazines should share more than just weddings, babies and career stuff, like I wanna see when people get fired or divorced or someone gets cheated on or falls into a well.
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
6:32 a.m.
Me: Good morn—
6: I’m dizzy, nauseous, and dehydrated
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.