*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
You Might Also Like
I have really bad hearing & thought he said “I love turds” but he said “nerds” & now I don’t know what to do with this shit in my underwear.
do you ever get a series of sharp pains like someone has a voodoo doll of you and they’re viciously stabbing it? no? how about now?
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?
I don’t think that i’ve ever made anyone get the butterflies. Dry heave yeah but i don’t think…no
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
I love when shows have cops escaping jail to finish solving a murder like you broke out to go back to work 😭
I just spent the day painting our fence. All I know is tomorrow I better be able to do karate.
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Daughter steals my iPad so I left Google open on “too many kids” & “making it look accidental.” Found my iPad but haven’t seen her all day.
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Nothing guarantees running into someone you know in public better than looking like a feral animal on two hours of sleep.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
If my cats are going to insist upon me getting up early they’re gonna have to learn how to make coffee
I carry a pack of Tums in my pocket in case I run into a hostile plate of jalapeño chili nachos and can’t escape
<– Pops double collar and eats hamburger with a fork and knife
Sometimes I like to wear a robe to the grocery store, pull out a tape measure, start measuring various vegetables, and let shopper imaginations run wild
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?