My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Do you need a glass of water?
You sure? You seem a little salty…
My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat