@LibelousLurker
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
@gengen874
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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@LibelousLurker
@bornmiserable
TEACHER: what do you want to be when you grow up
ME: vindicated
@Contwixt
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
@SteveStfler
Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe
@ThRealBallsDeep
Do you need a glass of water?
No???
You sure? You seem a little salty…
@iGreenMonk
My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.
@Sorrowscopes
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
@AndrewChamings
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
@BriarSly
He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”
She said: “What? Like…today?”
@Cpin42
Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?
Me: a black swirling pit of despair
Psychologist: nope, itβs a duck wearing a funny hat