Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
Isis been real quiet ever since fortnite came out
You had me at, “we’ll make it look like an accident.”
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
Allen: I’ll never talk
Me: *selecting an allen key from my torture tools* we’ll see about that
COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good