Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.
Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”
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Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
My boyfriend is taking me to a Spanish restaurant for dinner, I’m kind of scared, I don’t speak Spanish, how will I know not to order dog
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
Chicken salad is just like regular salad except, it’s afraid of the dark.
Biden: I painted “Michelle Obama 2020” on your bedroom ceiling
Obama: 😳
Biden: Glow in the dark paint
date: [pulls away from kissing] let’s move this to your bed
me: [sitting on a futon] you’re not gonna believe this
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Keeping up with the Kardashians is exhausting tbh.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Filming myself playing the violin like it’s a cello to catfish the giant community
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
(First Day as an Interior Decorator)
ME: I’m not sure this giant cross is right for this space.
PRIEST: Again, this is a church.
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.