@gengen874

Quietly she fades away, drifting closer to nothingness.

Nothingness whispers, “I already have a girlfriend.”

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@LibelousLurker

My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.

@Contwixt

The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.

@SteveStfler

Biden: Ok here’s the plan: have you seen Home Alone
Obama: Joe, no
Biden: Just one booby trap
Obama: Joe

@iGreenMonk

My grandfather died during sex. I still cry when I watch the video.

@Sorrowscopes

Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.

@AndrewChamings

Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.

@BriarSly

He said: “Tell me Baby…am I your first?”

She said: “What? Like…today?”

@Cpin42

Psychologist: [holds up inkblot] and this one?

Me: a black swirling pit of despair

Psychologist: nope, it’s a duck wearing a funny hat