*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
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my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
MY GIRLFRIEND: Did you see that?? Those fireworks made that skywriter hit that hot-air balloon!
ME: Oh my God! What kind of lunatic is responsible for this?? Oh hey, incidentally, will you marry me?
hotel guest: what room am I in?
me: this is the lobby
manager: can I talk to you
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Wife: [on phone] I just got home where are you guys?
Me: the hospital.
Wife: what happened?
Me: our son swallowed a watermelon seed.
Wife: so? it’s not like it’s gonna grow a watermelon in his tummy lol.
Me:
Wife:
Me: we’ll be home in 10 minutes.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I love a “hell yeah” moment right before it turns into a “well shit” situation.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Okay, I’ll bite, what is “the Beatles”
I won $2 on the lottery last night so please, hold my calls.
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
Eh wah eh wah eh wah eh wah joget joget joget joget joget gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek gelek lembek lembek lembek embek lembek lembek
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
Fact: Canadians are legally allowed to be late for work once a week for ‘reindeer related delays.’
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
Retweeting a woman is basically saying “that’s what she said”
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
me: hi, I have no power at my house
power company: ok, when did it happen
me: probably when we had kids, but it was a gradual shift
How to brew beer: First buy $300 worth of equipment from the last guy who thought it would be fun