@CornOnTheGoblin

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

You Might Also Like

@JustDontBugMe

[Secret Meeting]

God: We need to create something Magical

Angel: Yes, Sir

G: Call it Unicorn

A: *Tries and fails

G: Call it rhinoceros

@SoVeryBritish

Responding as if you’ve just been wrongfully accused of murder when someone on the phone asks if you’re still in bed

@doktorj

As an only child with a pet cat that bullied me, the pool cleaning robot was my closest friend.

@neiltyson

The perennially hyped name “Super Moon” insults the legacy of Superman, Super Volcanoes, Supernovae, and even Super Mario.

@elle91

[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg

@GrantTanaka

when the doctor starts putting on latex gloves at your next physical, a fun thing to do is to whip out your own pair & put them on too

@TragicAllyHere

Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?

Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?

M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa

@TheHatStore

ME: can I ask one last question

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot

[gunshots]

FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck

@StoferComic

My brief gig as a lounge singer ended when I asked 4 requests & realized I didn’t know the song “Get Off the Stage or Die.” Elvis, maybe?