@CornOnTheGoblin

[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

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@ArfMeasures

WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
[downstairs]
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down

@Dank_Pal

They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys

@holypurgatory

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

@Tharin_P

“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“…What?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”

@KateQFunny

Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.

@WilliamRodgers

“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”

-Superman

@lazerdoov

Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*

@Redfiascos

I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.

@YourAnMoron

People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.