WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
“Out. Just get out.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”
Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”
*cop starts helping*
I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.
People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.