[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that

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WIFE:Someone’s broken in
ME *grabs baseball bat*Wait here
PAL:Can’t u just tell her u wanna play baseball
M: Keep ur voice down


They updated the Raggedy Ann doll to Swaggedy Ann. She comes with an iPhone, divorced parents, and 3 pairs of heelys


A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.


“What do missiles, camels, and common fetishes have in common?”
” -Toes.”
“Out. Just get out.”


Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.


“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”



Cop: “what do you think you’re doing?”

Me: “just throwing these microwaves into the ocean to create super sharks”

*cop starts helping*


I’m always disappointed when I board a plane and there’s no handsome man running after me to stop me. Thanks, hollywood.


People that steal babies have obviously never owned a baby before.