[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
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the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: I brought a girl home last night
911: That’s not an-
Me: NOW SHE WON’T LEAVE!
*swat team busts down my door*
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.
I just ordered a life alert bracelet, so if I ever get a life I will be notified immediately.
I hope that when everyone returns to my office they appreciate the pole I installed in the conference room. I can’t wait to show them the routine I’ve worked so hard on
Bicyclists, it’s one thing to hog the road, but it’s quite another to expect us to know your fancy hand signals. Also, I can see your balls.
I now know I drink too much. I walked out on my deck and swear I heard a mosquito yell out to his all his friends that the bar just opened.
Throwback to this Gorilla in a pool dancing to Maniac.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
The new options on Facebook look like the life cycle of every relationship I’ve ever had
People buying a plunger are usually not in a good mood.
I met this white girl that was telling me about how she wanted to make a “hip” fried chicken place in her neighborhood. She was looking for ideas for names and I told her to call it Gentri Fried.
She wrote it down. 📝😭
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
Excuse me if ’condiment’ and ’commitment’ sound alike! I thought you just wanted some ketchup.
Chivalry is just the study of green onions right?
Reporter 1: see Argentina needs to score here because if not they lose
Reporter 2: so true jon. So true
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
when my boyfriend is home i eat three square meals a day and when he is gone i creep into the kitchen for a handful of dry cereal or a pickle every two hours like a tiny rat in a bodega in bedstuy
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*opens tube of pillsbury crescent rolls*
*crosses off list: do one thing everyday that scares you.*