@DirtMcTurd

*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*

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@wildethingy

I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.

@Keefler_Elf

i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more

@attsmcjay

Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”

@KalvinMacleod

[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here

@OctoberJones

In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.

@ArfMeasures

Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage

Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd

Doctor: Oh no

Wife: Oh shit he’s the same

@bjnovak

My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”

@TravLeBlanc

When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.