*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
How animals would run if they were human
(My first day as a Judge): Bay leaf! Season the prisoner!
Courtroom:
Me: … Well this is embarrassing
Anyone want a chair?
2016 has been pretty bad but at least girls stopped drawing mustaches on their index fingers and holding them under their noses.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
Fact: if you drop a penny from a skyscraper it can kill someone on the street? It’s true, I’m still glad I went with a bowling ball though
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
The Onion called it…again.
He asked why I put my stick figures on my dash, not the bumper.
I had to explain that it was an actual photo of my relatives.
ME: Have you seen my denim jacket?
GF: No, but it’s okay. Just checked the weather & it’s not going to be the 1980s today…
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
My son just literally ran into a trash can, then got up and walked around it to put his empty snack wrapper in my hand, if you’re wondering what it’s like to be a mom.
I understand if you aren’t religious, I respect that. But you don’t have to get all rude when I ask to use your first born as a sacrifice.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
What we all have in common is how extra stupid we look when we stop everything and focus on removing a stray hair from our tongue.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Your Honor the defense rests. They are so tired. Aww they look like angels when they sleep. Kinda makes u forget about the double homicide
Too close to dinner for lunch now. I’ll just have a few fresh veggies and half a bag of potato chips to tide me over.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.