I always carry a jellyfish with me in case a hot girl wants me to pee on her, but she is too embarrassed to ask.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
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i’m getting my wisdom teeth taken out on monday. i know most people get this procedure done when they’re like 16 but i think the move is waiting to do it when you’re 25 and depressed cause then you can appreciate the drugs a lot more
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
Hubs: ” Few glasses of wine tonight hun”?
Me: ” Yeah, I had a glass of red”
Hubs : ” Just one eh”
Me: ” Well I use the same glass”
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
When the zombie apocalypse comes, we’ll be the last to go because we never leave our houses.