Morning.
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I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
If red meat has so much iron in it why don’t cows rust? And another thing
If I had known the kind of people my classmates would grow up to be.
I would have beaten a lot more of them up.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Abraham Lincoln is in a cent until proven guilty.
USPS: does this package contain any perishables
me, in a cake, in the box: I’LL BE FINE
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
You’re suppose to wear clean underwear in case you’re ever in an accident.
I wear a new pair of shoes every day in case a house lands on me.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
4: *hands me a broken toy*
Me: oh no, I’ll see if I can fix it
4: ok but be careful next time
Me:
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
A sheep walks into a bar. Lots more sheep follow, the barman counts them and falls asleep, the sheep help themselves to free drinks. Genius.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
ME: Hello, Amazon Support? Yeah this package I just got looks like it was smashed from the inside with a bunch of hammers!
AMAZON: Sorry sir, what was in the package?
ME: Hammers
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
The filthiest part of life pre-COVID was that we normalized blowing all over a cake and serving it to guests 😭
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself