Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
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If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I think those 5G masts are emitting invisible waves that make people more susceptible to conspiracy theories.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
the answer was staring at me all along
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Ok, but like, how married are you?
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Life is what happens when you’re busy choosing a filter for what already happened in life.
i physically cannot make a spotify playlist without adding every song i’ve ever liked. i’ll start one called “sad :(” and it’ll end up with temperature by sean paul on it
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
Side effects may include: upset stomach, diarrhea, some wolves will chase you, like 6-12 wolves, it’s ok
What idiot called it “salad” and not “la sad”
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
This has made my week.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
[before lamps were invented]
moth: i’ve finished yet another novel. our empire is glorious and vast
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes