Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
I dated a woman once.
Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
Me: I feel like I’m wearing this bathing suit wrong
Store clerk: Thats a dream catcher
Y’all tweet like you don’t know it only takes 2 doctors to commit you.
gentlemen, hear me out
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
The weather is so hot that it gave me the wrong phone number.
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
“I hate confrontation”
“No, you don’t”
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Guys I don’t think the people who run the world are very good
[my first attempt at standup]
ME: So, I was at the gym the other day…
MY STALKER (from the back): lol no you weren’t
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
bird to holiday ratio:
thanksgiving: 1 bird
christmas: 184 birds
easter: 0 birds but 79,379 eggs.
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
“Don’t worry, I’ll hold your stuff. You just worry about making friends.” – Cargo Pants
Day 6 of Quarantine: C-Section went smooth. The Cuties are in great shape and mother is recovering
LOAN OFFICER: I’m just a little unclear on the details.
DAVE: What are you not getting? I have 3 adoptive sons that are musicians and also chipmunks. They are obviously quite small and thus require custom instruments, for which I need a loan. Why is this so complicated?
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
I pretend my bruises are sex bruises instead of I tripped over my cat while trying a new dance move bruises.