@pittdave13

Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

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@pinningnut

“You can be the ripest, juiciest peach in the world, there’s still going to be somebody who hates peaches”

@CatsVsHumanity

When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit

@AristotlesNZ

OH GOD! BOB IS HAVING A HEART ATTACK! QUICK SOMEONE CALL A TEMP AGENCY. I’M SURE AS HELL NOT DOING ALL HIS WORK.

@daemonic3

Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?

PEACH I MIGHT BE

@Vodkantots

My daughters weren’t paying attention to me, so I told them Taylor Swift died.

@GibJimson

I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.

@TheMichaelRock

People in public restrooms don’t really like playing Peek-a-boo, apparently.

@SarahJonesVent

How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now

@SaraMansford

Things I use my car for, from most to least:

1)Tweeting while parked
2)Snacking
3)Transporting bugs that can fly but are lazy
4)Driving