@pittdave13: Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other...
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@NewDadNotes: God: you’re a jellyfish. Jellyfish: nice. God: you have no bones. Jellyfish: ok. God: and no brain. Jellyfish: oh. God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom. Jellyfish: God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
@Prof_Peejay: A student once told me the Big Bang was a lie, just like evolution. Then he asked me what my sign was. I'm just a prof. I can't fix stupid.
@Swishergirl24: When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there's not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word "literally"
@Underchilde: Success is measured by how long it takes your boss to notice you’re not at your desk.