Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…

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Knees weak arms are heavy he has osteoporosis already, he’s only twenty.


If this virus gets any more toxic I’ll probably end up dating it.


[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves


Mom, I have a runny nose I don’t need a rectal thermometer.

Plus, I’m 35


Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.


Crying friend: Have you ever had a really bad day?
Me: [picking dog hair out of my oatmeal] Can you be more specific?


Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.


*first date*

Him: So, I’m a youth minister.

Me: Oh, cool. *googling cast of the bible* I really like…Lucifer.


Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?

Me: I tire easily.


I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!

My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!