“WTF MAN?! You’re why Star Trek is better.”
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I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
9 out of 10 archaeologists agree, the 10th one should not have uttered incantations to unlock the cursed bonds holding that Sumerian daemon
*wife shakes me awake in the middle of the night*
me: w-what happened
wife: you were talking in your sleep. kept muttering goth this and goth that
me: like what, specifically
wife: like death is goth life and blackberries are goth raspberries
me:[taking notes] oh these are good
i have a friend who hates certain hair styles and he told me he stopped watching john wick halfway through. he couldnt get past the middle part.
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
THEM: Yeah, I guess I’m just old-fashioned, I like TALKING on the phone like people used to do in more civil times.
ME: People used to burn witches and smoke on airplanes.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Arby’s also has a secret menu. If you order a “phone book” they bring you a phone book and you can find any other place to eat.
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
Why did they call it a parish and not a priestcinct?
My boyfriend doesn’t believe in putting his clothes away so I decided to stop believing in doing the dishes.
the boss has a new hairpiece and i’m trying real hard not to laugh
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
10:00: gets in hammock
10:00 to 10:20: relaxes in hammock
10:21 to 11:57: gets out of hammock
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.