Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
You Might Also Like
It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.
The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.