@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

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@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@TheToddWilliams

[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles

@TheCatWhisprer

My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.

@XplodingUnicorn

Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.

Sincerely,

America

@carterhambley

just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise

@RachelNoise

Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.

@coolauntV

[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?

@Gre_Gone

Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*