@OrvllShrednbchr

Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

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@ShesARealGenius

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

@sixfootcandy

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

@solsayswhaaa

The only way I’m letting you in my house is if you end up being 200 pancakes stacked in a trench coat.

@abbycohenwl

My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami

@fuzzypantaloons

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…

@djr_102

Sometimes you just have to roll down your car window and bark at people to see what they do.

@awkwardwit

I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.

@AimeeHelene1

Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?

@SmurfetteDE

Hey people – learn to spell!!!

I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.