Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.

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Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*


[NASCAR Press Conference]

REPORTER: What’s your race strategy?

DRIVER: Fast circles


My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.


Dear Britain,

This Brexit vote is all wrong

If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.




just became the pop-tarts CEO and let’s just say I hope you guys like mayonnaise


Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.


[being murdered]

me: you know you should really talk to someone about all of this. do you want the number of my therapist?


Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*