Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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BREAKING: First satellite photo of the “ultra-cool dwarf star”
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
“if anyone asks, i’ve been here the whole time”
You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears
ATTORNEY: my client would like to confess
ME: i sell human organs on the black market
JUDGE [who needs a kidney transplant]: tell me more
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
When I wear those trendy sports bras with a million straps I get stuck in them like a seagull in a six pack ring
Ok this TV character is expecting an important phone call from the kidnapper and they haven’t gotten once single spam call the whole time.
Must be nice.
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing
The second world war should have been called world war returns
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
New Year, New Me
New Me [looking around]: absolutely not
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
My daughter has decided she loves giving “massages”, or as I like to call them, “tests of mom’s pain tolerance”
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
what do we want?
SELF CONFIDENCE.
when do we want it?
WHENEVER YOU HAVE TIME IF THAT’S OK?
I trimmed all the bushes in the front yard to make my house look bigger.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.