driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
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I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
Not too much haha you?
1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas
5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner
10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun
[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars
[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case
Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
People who say they “Like to have fun”…
Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.