Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@Kristen_Arnett

driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened

@Muath_tu

I hate when I’m running away from monsters at the temple then crash into a tree and die because I wanted to collect all the gold.

@DrakeGatsby

Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?

Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”

@internetluke

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

@AnkCoupleTO

1st Anniversary: Let’s go to Vegas

5th Anniversary: Get a sitter so we can go to dinner

10th Anniversary: Russian roulette sounds like fun

@DaddyJew

[buying college textbooks]
That’ll be 100 million dollars

[returning college textbooks]
We can give you half off on this pencil case

@robdelaney

Vaccines comes from doctors –> Doctors are part of Obamacare –> Vaccines are BAD #Bible #AmericanSniper

@pharmasean

If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s

@CaniacMONK

People who say they “Like to have fun”…

No shit?

@KevinFarzad

Just saw someone order a cup of water at this restaurant. Knocked it out of his hand. We’re in a drought, idiot.