Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
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Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
“My husband’s a talented voice actor & his brother’s a makeup artist but nah this old lady is a different person” -the mom in Mrs. Doubtfire
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
That’s it.I’m out.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
It’s so ridiculous how I watch 1 documentary & falsely feel like an expert. I just know if someone yelled “OH NO! Can anyone interpret these ancient Mayan hieroglyphs?!” my brain would react like “It’s okay, everyone! Stand back! I saw a documentary once! I’ve got this!”
Husband: My hair looks terrible today. Ohhhh I found out mike’s wife asked him for a divorce
Me: Ohh no! What happened?
Husband: I don’t know, I think I just slept on it weird.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
[almost at the moon]
Buzz: *explosive diarrhea* DID YOU PUT SOMETHING IN THE TANG, ARMSTRONG?
Neil: *steals speech out of his pocket* nope
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Why do all these blurry people keep telling me I’m drunk?
Everyone: Wow, I love your official animal.
Aussies: Thanks, it has pockets.
I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
Having Justin Bieber sing at your funeral so your death will be the second worst thing happening to your friends that day.
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
My little dog has gotten into the box of treats & hidden them throughout the house. Every now & then he eats one. He’s strutting around like he pulled off a bank heist & is spending the cash slowly.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
Guy: If u won lotto, what’d u get?
Me: A cat sitter
G: To take extra good care of Sox?
M: *pictures a cat in a suit taking care of me* Yes
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
I’m working on my core muscles so I can rise out of a coffin dramatically.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Child me at birthday party: gimme gimme ice cream
Adult me at birthday party: gimme gimme cake
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?