*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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yeah baby i am an animal in bed. more specifically a koala. i can sleep for 22 hours a day
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Tampon boxes should come with a “It’s not safe to walk around naked with a tampon string hanging out if you own a cat.” warning.
driving in the car and my girlfriend leaned over and said “where does an owl get dinner? pizza hoot” and then continued on with her business as if nothing had happened
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Putting honey on a bee sting is so strange.
You hurt me?!!
I’LL SMEAR MY WOUND WITH THE EXCREMENT OF YOUR ANCESTORS!!
i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
*3.5 thank you very much.
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
Zac meets Ron
Zac dates Ron
Zac takes Ron home
Zac Efron
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
thought i heard hailstones at my window but it was just the sound of my bones as i stood up from a chair
sperm bank employee: is he [ear to the wall] is he listening to the full house theme song
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
[signing birth certificate]
wife: you put Owen, right?
me: yup
nurse: Now we’ll just need a footprint from little [reading] “Owned”
My 3-yr-old just found a moldy hot dog in the sofa cushions and ate it.
I know I should be horrified, but I’m actually relieved because now I don’t have to make her supper.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
Him: I just poured out 16.9 ounces for my homie.
Her: Just say you filled the dog’s water bowl.
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
A shark could swim faster than me, but I could probably run faster than a shark. So in a triathlon, it would all come down to who is the better cyclist.
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.