Some people dream of doing great things with their lives, my dream is to have an alpaca named Al Pacacino.
*quits cold turkey*
*looks for ’emotionally available’ turkey*
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When is carotene going to get out of beta mode?
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…
*opens The Shining
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
It says here on your resume that you are a “self-proclaimed man of few words.” Would you like to elaborate on that?
wife: turn on the stove please
me: [twerking in front of stove] it’s not working
Tell me I’m beautiful
Tell me I’m a genius
“You’re a genius”
“Just give me the toilet paper, please”
It took me 4 attempts to type “my dignity”.
Autocorrect kept changing it to “HAHAHAHAHAHA”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*