*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

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There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.


The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist


Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun


My best friend is marrying my husband’s best friend. What could possibly go wrong?


New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you