*quits Twitter to spend time with family*

*remembers what family is like*

*quits family for Twitter*

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Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.


Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.


marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad


friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you

hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]

me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him


*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*

*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*


Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Son: Oprah!
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!



– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into


“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra


To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me