Not to brag but my bank says I have an outstanding balance.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
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Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
marry someone u only kinda like so if u get a divorce it won’t be that bad
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
*brings a super-magnet to a knife fight*
*discovers that stainless steel is not magnetic*
Me: I baked cookies! Who’s the best Mom ever?
Me: Gimme the damn cookies back!
Son: See? Oprah GIVES, she doesn’t take!
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me