Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
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The Amazon driver drove right by my house without dropping off a package.
He’s got some nerve.
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
The best shot in the history of golf
If God had wanted us to drink in moderation he wouldn’t have put wine in barrels. #inspiration
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Wife: Why is the dog limping?
Me: *uncomfortable pause*
Wife: Well?
Me: Uncomfortable paws?
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Home Alone 2? Shame on you. Home Alone 3? Shame on me.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
PATIENT: i just feel like something is missing from my life
THERAPIST: [is a cat] have you tried biting plastic
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
boat question
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: the word is “semicolon”
ME: can you use it in a sentence?
JUDGE: not really, no
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.