*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
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I hate when people say it’s quarter till 11.
Just say it’s 10:75
ME: (right before I go under anesthesia)
SURGEON: How much you want to bet this guy is full of candy?
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo
Alfredo: Fettucine and what?
People are so fake how can you love your newborn baby when you met it like 2 minutes ago and don’t know anything about it
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
Pediatrician: How much water does she drink?
Me: You mean like water water or bath water?
If you’re ever chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, over a little seesaw and through a hoop of fire.
They’re trained for that.
If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
My phone autocorrects ‘sex’ into ‘pez’ in case you were wondering just how dead my pez life is.
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
Dishonest mechanic?
I need a job folding towels that pays $40 an hour.
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
I dumbed there ONE time and now this.
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Me:”The store didn’t have any bread so I brought flour”
Wife:”If they didn’t have butter would you buy a cow”
*sound of hooves in kitchen*
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
The Queen is crazy if she thinks I’m going to wait until February
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
Wanna know what it’s like being married? Chain yourself to a wild animal. Now kick the animal.
is your name melissa?
“yes”
are you married?
“to you sadly”
yes or no please
“yes”
do you like the lie detector I bought for your birthday?
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me