[Quiz show]

Host: “Stephen that is the… CORRECT ANSWER!!”

Me: “Oh my. I can’t believe it!”

Host: “Congratulations! You have won Who Wants to Win a Million Bears!”

Me: “This is amaz- what did you just say?”

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Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills


What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.


I like to dump Skittles in the toilet and then flush it ‘cuz it looks like a little tiny NASCAR race.


*speed dating

So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.


To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere


“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.

But I was able to remove all the stingers.

So yes, my pullout game is strong.


Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd

Potato Head: I want to look good on my date


If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.


911 – wats ur emergency?
– i got stuck in some magnets
911 – who are u?
– Iron man