@Reverend_Scott

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

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@SketchesbyBoze

VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine

@shkeeber

Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.

Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.

@Mike_Vanatta

My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”

@causticbob

Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.

Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently

@Big_Cat74

the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face

@JB4Realz

me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?

roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…

@Jake_Vig

HER: I think we should see other people.

ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.

@lisaxy424

Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?