@SketchesbyBoze
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
@Reverend_Scott
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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@SketchesbyBoze
@shkeeber
Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
@NikiWithIssues
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
@Mike_Vanatta
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
@causticbob
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
@Big_Cat74
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
@JB4Realz
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
@lafix
good work, everybody
@Jake_Vig
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
@lisaxy424
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?