@Reverend_Scott

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

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@IamEveryDayPpl

I haven’t worn corduroy since that time I almost died in a fire chasing the ice cream man…

@DadandBuried

Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.

@Jandalize

My favorite bra broke and now I feel like there’s no one left to support me.

@PleaseBeGneiss

[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510

@KeetPotato

judge: “you have chosen to defend yourself, is that correct?”
me: [muffled from inside full suit of armour] “that’s correct”

@blasphe_me

I guess it’s not socially acceptable to put my hand in the shape of a gun into my mouth in the middle of a conversation.

@withanewname

After a failed college project to fight hunger, Clark decided to focus on fighting crime and thereby dropping a p from Supperman.

@Tazanna_Sandra

Never ask a man if he is single. Instead ask him “is anyone under the impression that they are in a relationship with you?”

@lazy_joe_

“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS