VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
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Him: I’m tolerant of the gay lifestyle. A neighbor of mine was gay.
Me: Thanks. I’m tolerant of yours too. A neighbor of mine was an idiot.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
My wife complains that I never open the car door for her, but when I do she’s all, “Stop it, you’re driving too fast! We’re on a bridge!”
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
me *looking at burnt up nintendo cartridge*: what the hell happened?
roommate (a dragon): it was dirty…
good work, everybody
HER: I think we should see other people.
ME: I don’t. We’re awful. We should leave other people alone.
Me: time for bed
Brain: yeah I’m tired too
M: really? wow we may actually get some slee-
B: hey do you think anyone’s died in this house?