@meganamram

R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

You Might Also Like

@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.

@Reba_aa

I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”

@TwinSurvivalist

My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.

@MaverickGames

Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.

@Terdoh

If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.

I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.

@IamJackBoot

I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats

@junejuly12

I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.

@trumpetcake

People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]

@rachelle_mandik

people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over