R.I.P. 2013 (2013-2013)

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FRIEND: Women like a little danger.
ME: Okay.
[later on date]
HER: So where are we-
ME: *opening door of moving car* Get out. NOW.


I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..

and softly whisper…

“I’ll do your housework for you”


My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.


Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.


If I had a brewery I would make an alcoholic drink called “Responsibly”.

I wouldn’t even have to pay for advertising.


I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats


I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.

And that is why she will always be my favourite child.


People always complain that I’m “out there.” [On the phone. To the cops. While I’m sitting in their birdbath.]


people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over