R.I.P. Wile E. Coyote
You Might Also Like
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
I just let a raccoon loose in my kitchen just so I’d have something to do tomorrow.
The child that I carried in my uterus for 9 months & suffered through 13 hrs of labor for just asked if he could have my pickle.
Hell. No.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
In Hell, you’re surrounded by people saying ‘suposably’ and ‘irregardless.’
Update my mom has decided that my peanut butter intake is too high so she has hidden all the peanut butter. Little does she know I went to the store and bought more and while I was hiding it I found the other hidden container. Double peanut butter. Game on Amy.
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
Of course I work out. I do burpees after drinking pop. I do lunges to grab the last slice of pizza & squats if I drop it.
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
My wife takes our trash to her work dumpster to save our trash bin for god only knows what.
This is THE tweet I hope she doesn’t find.
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Teacher: Your son said the s word in class today.
Me: Seriously?
Teacher: No. Shit. He said shit.
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
When your emotional bank account is empty you have “insufficient funs”
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
I have friends close enough to finish my sentences, but if they keep doing that, I will hang up on them.