R.I.P.
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Parents these days take their kids to the E.R for scraped knees and paper cuts..
When I was 11 I died and my mom told me to walk it off
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
The hubby, son and I are all working from home today, this is my goodbye tweet.
[A montage of me flailing because I walked into a spiders web, with larger and larger crowds, until I am at the karate championships]
I was watching a murder show set in Idaho and realized I had never been to Idaho and it looked so gorgeous so I said I would like to visit Idaho.
Husband, “You are by far the weirdest woman I have ever met.”
Lmaooo I thought I bought silver wrapping paper why am I so bad at Christmas
those electric paddles they use to restart your heart but instead they perfectly grill your sandwich in 3 seconds flat
I just want to be rich enough to hire someone whose job is to intercept callers and visitors and say “he’s in no condition to see anyone right now”
Beware…..
I wish I was born in a year ending in zero so it’d be easier to remember how old I am. Thanks for following.
K1: Frankincence
K2: Myrrh
K3: Gold
K1 & K2: WHAT?
K3: Gold
K1: We said £20 each!
K3: I..
K1: I hate you
K3: Wrap it from all of us?
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
I’ve started putting my wife’s chocolate bars in the wrong wrappers.
It really gets her snickers in a twix.
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
wife: (puts on her glasses) how do i look?
me: with… with your glasses.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
“Don’t you understand the basics of cuddling? You don’t struggle and I don’t hurt you.”
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
Green tea reduces weight*
*Only if you go and pick the leaves from the mountains yourself.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
Life is not a fairy tale. If you lose your shoe at midnight, you’re drunk.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family