RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
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Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
ME BEFORE HAVING TEENS: I like a good, crunchy apple
ME AFTER HAVING TEENS: Apples totally slap. Much cronch.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Tennis players like to do that shout/grunt thing every time they hit the ball and it seems like a fun way to do your job so I’m gonna start doing it every time I send an email
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
If Titanic happened now Rose would ask Jack to film her like one of his onlyfans girls
Trying to eat the recommended eight cups of chicken burrito bowl a day. I’ve already noticed my sleep is better, less aches and pains etc.
What’s that, Lassie? Where’s Timmy? The butcher’s? I hope you’re right this time, gal, there was no sign of him at the dog run or frisbee store.
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
You look like you would fail a DNA test
SCARECROW WIFE: Did you pick up milk?
SCARECROW:Oh I forgot
SCARECROW WIFE: You’d forget your brain if…
SCARECROW: If what Hayley?…Say it
INVENTOR OF GLUE: I bet if we melt that horse we could use it to stick stuff to other stuff.
TIM: Dude…is everything okay at home?
Romantic movies taught me that you always have to walk out after a big argument so that 6yrs later you can meet by chance and get married.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
It’s faster just accepting that a fish learned to walk and then everything got weirder.
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
True statement👍😏😁
My kids love playing pretend. My 9yo pretends to be a dinosaur and my 13yo pretends she doesn’t know us.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
me: how much per hour?
babysitter: $15
me: okay here’s $2.37 million see you in 18 years
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.