My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately
DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?
DOCTOR: What have you been eating?
DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things
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DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.
You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
My son’s superpower is to turn 1 cracker into 10 lbs of crumbs
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell