@Home_Halfway

RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?

RACCOON: Yes

DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

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@RodLacroix

My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.

@truegritrumble

DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.

@not_delicate

You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave

@GrillinChillin9

Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.

@Swishergirl24

Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.

@aissalanis

Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.

@iwearaonesie

Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”

@ItsAndyRyan

Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell