RACCOON: I haven’t been feeling so good lately

DOCTOR: We’ll let’s see. Have you been staying up all night?


DOCTOR: What have you been eating?

RACCOON: Garbage

DOCTOR: Well you’re doing all the right things

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My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.


DAD: *to my brother* Just be yourself.
ME: And me?
DAD: Just be your brother.


You can’t control how people treat you but you can control your reaction, I say as I gently lower you into your grave


Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.


Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?

Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.


Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.


Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”


Me: I dreamed my teacher is making me read out endless values of ?
Psychiatrist: Is it recurring?
Me: Not as far as anyone can tell