The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I remember 9 months before I was born, I went to a party with dad and left with mom.
In the old days if you wanted to hit snooze you had to shoot the rooster with a tranq dart that lasted exactly 9 minutes
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
Me: Sometimes I feel like instead of actively listening, you’re just waiting for your turn to talk
Poltergeist: throws dishes
Google search history:
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat for smoking
Shout out to my self-aware friends, you know who you are