@KalvinMacleod

RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

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@SortaBad

The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle

@graceful_asfuck

My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever

@therealeatwood

JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest

@chuuew

[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:

@DevilryFun

I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.

@JennyPentland

Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.

@thequeensheart

I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.

@Darlainky

Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.

@gwatts77

Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.