RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband

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The one upside to triplets is that you finally have enough babies to juggle


My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever


JUDGE: I sentence you to 2 consecutive life sentences

[60 yrs later: convict dies, is reincarnated]

COP: This baby camel is under arrest


ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?


I hate to choose sides, but if forced, I’ll aggressively side with the person paying my bar tab.


Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.


I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.


Grim Reaper: You know why I’m here.

Me: Heavy drinking? Unhealthy diet? Texting and driving?

GR: You should’ve forwarded that chain email.


Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.