RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, it’s my husband
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Instead of calling it a “to do” list I’ve started writing “side quests” at the top to make it seem more fun and interesting and boy has that not worked at all.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
my fitness device congratulated me on “playing ice hockey” and told me i burned 300 calories over the past 20 minutes.
i was eating a Wendy’s baconator.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
*air horn sound*
*second air horn sound*
Me: “This isn’t deodorant.”
Walked in on my 5yo absolutely destroying his punching bag so I’m not even gonna ask him what kind of day he had at school today.
Him: I just got stung. I’m allergic. Grab me my EpiPen.
Me: Do you know how much those cost? Have a Benadryl.
I just tried to steal a gummy worm from my kid’s candy bag and EVERY ONE OF THEM HAS A BITE TAKEN OUT.
Well played, little dude. Well played.
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
3yo told me to watch her show, sat me on the living room couch, asked if I’d like a drink, brought me a fake glass of wine, said “the show is about to begin,” hid in the wings, then returned and whispered discretely that my children were not behaving and I’d have to leave.
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
Some people say I’m suspicious and adversarial, and they’d better have a goddamn good attorney.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
British websites use biscuits.
DOCTOR 1: There’s a tumor in your head the size of a baby carrot.
PATIENT: Oh my god. {starts crying}
DOCTOR: {trying to comfort} Yeah I hate carrots too.
The prophecy is fulfilled
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
“I never trust anything from the government!”
*uses highways
All I got for Christmas was a sweater, I would’ve preferred a moaner or a biter.
airbnb implies earthbnb, firebnb, and waterbnb
If it weren’t for the gutter, my mind would be homeless.
“My god,” I whisper as the food arrives. “Just as the prophecy foretold.”
I’m at the age where my mind firmly believes I’m 29, my humor suggests I’m 12 and my body possibly died in the Civil War.
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*