Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
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me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
If I ever go missing just tell my 5-year-old I’m relaxing. She’ll find me. She always does.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I’m getting work done
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
My Jewish mother freaked out when I told her I wanted to be like Dre, but relaxed when I told her that he was a doctor.
It’s weird when the label on a jar of food boldly declares something you thought was a minimum requirement: NOW WITH LESS SAWDUST
Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
me: did you even eat lunch today?
10: yea
me: what’d you have?
10: i haaaaad cheezits, ice cream and a rice crispy treat
me: your mom is gonna kill me.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
I smoked a pack of cigarettes in 6 hrs, I don’t think your kale will save me.
I just caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume she’s a weirdo or she’s punishing herself for swearing again.
Boss: Where were you on Friday?
Me: It was a holiday.
Boss: HALLOWEEN IS NOT A PAID HOLIDAY!
Me: It is if you go as Christmas.
Boss:…
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
After a Scrabble victory, I clear the board immediately so the Scrabble gods don’t think I’m gloating.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
i let my cat smell every wine i drink so she can get a job as a sommelier and help pay my rent
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
People are teaching their dogs how to skateboard and my dog’s chart at the vet says “must be picked up, won’t walk”.
ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
My dog is starting a food blog where she writes about the delicious flavors of the various paper napkins she finds and eats.
Why run with scissors when you can run with bananas which are far less dangerous and also tasty snacks.
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.