Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
You Might Also Like
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
This is the one
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
I always hear people bragging about weightlifting. In my opinion, if I have to grunt to pick something up, it can just stay where it is.
WIFE: His obsession with Star Wars is out of hand
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *adjusting Yoda mask* Cloud us with your lies you have, Karen
Quit coffee and now I’m like one of those fish at the bottom of the ocean that use antennae to find their way through the dark.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Me: *pointing gun* put all the money in the bag
Him: sir this is a food bank
Me: put all the broccoli in the bag
If there is no shredded cheese in my bra right now, I have failed
Hey, the 1700’s called, they said please invent telephones.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.
Never understood why people need bathrobes? Just take off your clothes and have a bath, then put on some clothes after the bath. Why the need for an intermediate garment? This is a moneymaking scam being propagated by Big Robe.
governor said not to attend any gatherings w/ more than 10 people so I guess I’m still on for the smashmouth concert
You can use the phrase “lickity split” as much as you want at work and they can’t fire you.
A chilling warning for the old people in my village.
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
I have never related to a cat more
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?