Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
You Might Also Like
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Don’t be sad about being single on Valentine’s Day, think of all the ppl in relationships that don’t know they’re also single
Not to brag but drunk me just decided to start taking pictures for sober me in the morning…
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
ME: we have a problem, i’m out of beer
HER: it’s ok i don’t drink
ME: ok we have 2 problems
Watch James Cameron’s spectacular vision to take 3 hours to tell a storyline that could’ve been an e-mail
…again.
(Now in theaters)
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
Me: ‘This may be the booze talking, but that is a VERY snazzy outfit you have on there.’
Cop: ‘Step out of the car, please.’
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
You rolling your eyes doesn’t mean I’m going to stop talking
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???
I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
Today from 9 to 10 AM we are having an all-hands family seminar on how to replace an empty toilet paper roll.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
They:’What doesn’t kill you..’
Me:’I don’t want to be stronger.’
BANK EMPLOYEE:
*chasing me*
sir! you can’t leave with that!
ME: *running w/ a pen w/ a chain still attached*
I BROUGHT IT WITH ME FROM HOME!
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10