*races to airport
*hurdles though security
*sees her at boarding gate
*shouts her name
*romantic music swells
I RAN OVER YOUR CAT
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just walked in on my son playing cards against humanity by himself like solitaire
Sex with me is like eating spaghetti with a spoon.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[going 75 mph on the freeway with only forests on both sides of the road]
my phone: I found nine wi-fi connections to HP printers.
I just saw Madonna climb out of a hollowed out tree trunk in the woods near my house.
What idiot called it a pharmacy and not a “coughy shop”
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
My entire life looks like a drug deal gone bad.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
Judging by this one leg hair I found, I have missed this spot with the razor everyday since 1985. So sexy.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Remember back in season one of Covid, when we thought maybe we’d be in this for just five seasons like Breaking Bad, and now it’s like, surprise y’all, this is Grey’s Anatomy.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
You can’t choose your family but you can choose a hitman.
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Wife: Are…are you training a beaver in karate?
Me: Well, actually it’s not a beav-
Wife: I don’t care what it is, just get rid of it!
Me: [whispering] It’s okay Woodchuck Norris. Don’t let her dash your dreams.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
To those of you who still feel like you’re superior, remember this; after this pandemic is over we will all have the skill level of a toddler when it comes to dressing ourselves.
[At astronomy convention]
For the last time, Bob. No one wants to see Uranus.
We need to bring back house parties in a big way. There is something so special about talking to a guy on a couch
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
I found a YouTube video that addresses a question I have, but I can’t skip the ad, so I have decided to muddle through life not knowing the answer.