Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.

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“I was gonna go and save the princess, but then I got high..” – Super Mario


The opposite of a backhanded compliment is a blessing in diss guise.


dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground


I don’t know about you, but I always watch my garage door go all the way down in case a murderer tries to roll in at the last minute.


ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.


Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.

Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.


7 is asleep, 8 is on his iPad, and 12 is all like “hey dad, why don’t you remember our names”


I stopped seeing my therapist. All of my appointments were really disrupting my day drinking.