“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
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*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Pilot: welcome aboard
Fighter pilot: [right hook]
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
I used to make fun of my kid for watching Call of Duty tournaments until he actually won a burrito from Chipotle. He went buck wild and ordered a lot. So I’m tweeting this with my mouth full of chips and queso.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
My kids have started removing one letter of bad words, so they can call each other names and not get in trouble.
So, I’ve decided to add one digit to the wifi password until they can be nice to each other.
Your move itches
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
I’ve always taught my children that no matter what race or religion, all good looking people deserve respect.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Drunk Draft Folder Contents:
“Trees. LOL.”
“I was born once. Pickles.”
“Spice Girls”
“Toes. Are on my feet. Both feet. Not just one.”
Oh good, a gift card to Arby’s.
*waits for their birthday*
Them: Thanks Aimee for the…
*opens box*
(cat hair pasted to paper & framed)
computer: choose new password
math teacher: algebra
computer: password must contain numbers
math teacher: algebraXY
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Current fitness level: my arm gave out while blow drying my hair.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
*3yo’s birthday*
Me: happy birthday, can you blow the candles out?
3yo: ok *blows hard*
Me: great job
3yo: great blow job
Me:
3yo: ?
Me: …. just eat the cake
Sorry I scratched your car with my rough winter elbow.
YOU: Your guess is as good as mine
ME: Is it a dolphin wearing a banana hammock?
YOU: Ok maybe your guess isn’t as good as mine
Was testing the fire alarms in the house, and all the kids wandered out of their bedrooms thinking dinner was ready.
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no