Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
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Seagulls are the annoying drunk white girls of the bird community.
“Act your age!” I yell at my 11 year-old daughter as I put on my Captain America t-shirt.
Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold
My girlfriend: Want me to help?
Me: No I th-
My Girlfriend: Okay
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
Do people who talk on their phones while driving know you can use driving as an excuse to avoid talking on the phone?
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
Therapist: It’s been 8 years since the death of your parents. How are you coping?
Bruce Wayne: I dress as a bat and beat up strangers now.
The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
doctor: i have good news and bad news. the bad news is your wife is going to be a widow
me: [devastated] what’s the good news
doctor: [pulls out engagement ring] not for long
“Lol dead” is not acceptable for a eulogy, I know this now
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.
She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
*during sex
Any way I could convince you to make some velociraptor noises?
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Me- Look at the beautiful Christmas lights kids!
My husband- Woo buddy, I’d love to see their electric bill
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say