Racism is alive and well. I entered a plane and a white lady started freaking out. I laughed so hard my grenades fell out of my pocket.
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Being a mom means saying things that shouldn’t be threatening in a very threatening manner. Like, “EAT YOUR CEREAL!” for example.
At a wedding where the minister told everyone to stand next to the person who makes life worth living. The bartender was almost trampled.
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
Might get a Gatorade logo tattoo to symbolize my contempt for thirst.
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
*pulling up to the mcdonald’s drive thru*
me: can i get an order of prescription-strength french fries, please
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
Guys, if she says “well that’s entirely up to you”… it really isn’t.
Me with a pronounced limp: *walks awkwardly
Me with a mispronounced limp: “Blimp.”
Ex [to kids]: dad made a mistake and will be gone for awhile
8: what did he do?
Ex: what do you think he did?
8: he drove while drinking
Ex: yes
8: AGAIN?!
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
If your store sells carpet and tile and you’re not advertising a July Floor-th sale then what are you even doing?
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
Why do people send an @ just to be nasty. Oh yeah, because they are thick dumb cunts who have no life. Glad I cleared that up.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
when you were a kid did the kids tv programmes do this thing where they hit people with a “custard pie” but the “pie” was clearly just a paper plate with a little bit of foam on it, as though we were stupid. As though we could not perceive their dishonour