racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.

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*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*


Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law


Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.

Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…


WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break


Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside


bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”

i won


professor x: what is your superpower

me: dinosaur chicken nuggets

professor x: that is not a superpower

me: i thought you said superfood


They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.

Like that’s going to dissuade me.