*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
racist frat dudes.. now ive seen everything.
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Are there any police officers willing to come to my house in uniform and tell my kids that not listening to me is against the law
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
bf took me to get undies n he wanted to embarrass me so he said real loud: “i can’t wait to rip these off with my teeth” n i replied with: “seriously u need to stop, ur my brother”
professor x: what is your superpower
me: dinosaur chicken nuggets
professor x: that is not a superpower
me: i thought you said superfood
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
Moses had the first tablet with cloud connectivity.
Me: your parents named you that?