RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
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Improve your DVD collection by simply attaching googly eyes!
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
Why does it jump from 2% milk all the way to whole milk?
Maybe I just want 47% milk…
We DNA tested our dog and it turns out he killed a guy in Toledo in ‘79
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Absolutely no one:
8 yo: I’D RATHER BE RAISED BY DUCKS
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
I told my therapist that I was suffering from affluenza.
He diagnosed me with delusions of grandeur!
#jokes
I suffer from paranoia and procrastination. Everyone is out to get me, just not right now
Me: what do want for your birthday
Friend: just a gift card or some shit
Me, at the party: *with a gross smelling gift* I think you’ll love it
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
“Terrible twos” is such a misleading phrase. It makes it sound like other ages are better.
Wife: I hate that thing
Me: My glass? It’s a souvenir from abroad!
Wife: It’s a mug from Mexico
Me: It’s a collector’s item!
Wife: It says “Jalapeno Poopers”
Me:
Wife:
Me: You want me to toss it?
Wife: I want you to stop using it to serve scotch at dinner parties
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Long story short” makes your story three words longer.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
Yea, music today sucks. But don’t forget that at one point we all listened to some idiot ask who let the dogs out for 4 minutes.
Always the bridesmaid, never the person about to make the worst mistake of her adult life
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
No matter what country they’re in ducks always have the same quaccent.
Cereal. Check.
Milk. Check.
Bread. Check.
Fruit. Check.
Salad. Check.
Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.