There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
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Every time you downvote a reply, Twitter releases a lion emoji to eat that user.
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
MRI machines don’t have to be that loud. They just don’t want you to hear the radiology tech gasp.
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
Do you like vampires?
🟩 Nosferatu
✅ Yesferatu
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Boss: HR wants to see you
Me: What for?
Boss: Mandatory drug test
Me: Oh man, I really can’t do any more drugs after the weekend I had
Kid logic: don’t need napkins when I have shirt sleeves, or mom’s pant leg, or the cat mistakenly wanders by.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
Make your day better by imagining people you don’t like floating helplessly into the sun.
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
girls on tinder will say “your parents will love me but your neighbors won’t” like what are you gonna do? start mowing at 7am on a saturday??
Him: Who are you supporting in the World Cup?
Me: Hogwarts.
Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
Who called it a washer repairman and a not a spin doctor?
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
He wanted to role play, then got all mad when I acted like a prohibitionist and banned sex.
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
My favorite thing about decorative towels is how you’re not allowed to use them.
Because nothing says CLASS like useless towels.
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
old ladies always walking past you like “you are glued to your phone, can’t even look up to see the beauty around you” Pam this is a Dollar Store not Notre Dame
A man threatened to sue a magazine for using his photo in a story about all hipsters looking the same — only to learn it’s not him in the picture